Jurassic Park Documentary
by BakuryuuTyranno
Summary: A documentary is shot on Isla Sorna.


Jurassic Park Documentary

On Isla Sorna, where humans don't usually go anymore, not unless they're stark raving crazy anyways, or unless they have a death wish, or are evading their taxes, and don't see a more suitable way out of it than meeting their end at the end of a Triceratops's horns, is a Stegosaurus named Seth. Seth has two long, carnivorous fangs, but no personality traits. Or is not having personality traits his main personality trait? And if it is, does that mean that he really doesn't not have personality traits? I think I've made something of a paradox here. And broken the fourth wall, but we're out of cement and the last one to try go get some met a cement-mixer induced death. At the moment, Seth has defied the actions of most Stegosauruses recorded by… wait, someone's just stolen a crate from our camp. Little does he know it's full of Triceratops dung. I think he heard that he's coming back… no don't throw it at meee-

Hi, this is Joe. I am filling in as the narrator now because I threw Triceratops dung at Terrence and now security are pointing guns at me and forcing me to narrate. What was going on again? Oh yes, standing over there, close to a large rock that looks suspiciously like a sing that reads 'you're fired', is a T-Rex named Alan, after that idiot from those movies that no one can remember the name of. Alan is something of a jock, and is known for travelling around with some other T-Rexes, and occasionally tormenting T-Rexes that are weaker, or slower, or have interests that are considered strange. These T-Rexes are also known for hanging around with some female T-Rexes, usually ones that have the IQ of a dead horse. Recently, Alan has been avoided by female T-Rexes, except for one, who I'm going to tell you is his girlfriend, because all of us nature documentary people have no life, so we like to pull names, personality traits and relationships out of hats so we can pretend the animals we're filming were our room-mates in college.

Anyway, they're climbing onto another rock formation. It appears to be made of white rocks, but I can't see any gaps. Maybe it's all one thing. It's taking them forever to reach the top so I'll describe it much more than I should ever need to – the foot of this rock formation is thin compared to the top. It's constantly shooting upwards, but while it's thin from this angle, if we looked at it from the side it would be wider. At the top, the whole thing expanded outwards, into something of a bowl shape. At the top of this, right at the back, there is a larger, rectangular piece of white rock, almost the same height as the rest of the thing. Propped up against it seems to be a large slab of rock, and extending from the side of it is a giant silver thing that looks kind of like a lever. In front of this, there's some kind of slab of rock, which is almost ring-shaped, extending around the sides of the thing. We've seen this thing from the top with our helicopters and the whole thing, except for the ring around the top, is almost hollow, it keeps getting lower and lower, and then, almost right back at the foot of this strange rock formation, is a large pool of water. We have heard reports that there are Liopleurodons, Tylosauruses and other predatory marine animals in this water, but we haven't dared approach it because the entire inside of this section is very smooth and our adventurers are fearing that even the most effective equipment won't keep them from falling in. I can't argue with that. The whole rock formation looks as if it's very smooth. We have attached audio equipment to the foot of the thing and we can hear some things moving around in the pool of water but we have no way to get a good look at it.

They have finally reached the top, and… what the heck is that? Oh wait, it's a bunch of fireworks set off by my saboteur friend. Dennis Dennisson. Maybe I shouldn't have just said his name on national TV. Wait… Alan is turning towards the fireworks, and his tail has knocked the other T-Rex, who I haven't named yet because I would have to take a step to the left to reach the hat and there's too many guns pointed at me, into the hollow part of the rock formation! Now he's realised and is trying to follow the T-Rex into the rock formation! I don't know what's happening, but from the audio sensor we're getting a lot of roaring, water being splashed everywhere, and... sorry, I got distracted there. Is that a _lion_? On _Isla Sorna_? Oh never mind, it just got squashed. Heh, lions make a funny noise when they get squashed. Okay, people are tightening their grip on their guns and shoving them in my face like I forgot something. I remember now, I'm meant to be narrating a nature show. There's still roaring and splashing, but I can't really make out anything difference. Wait a minute, that sounds like a voice. In a few seconds, you should be able to hear what the audio sensor has picked up.

"**Argh, my liver! I really should have taken deep sea diving lessons from someone else! There's a hole in one of my kidneys! Something sharp is poking through it! Now there's something long and brown floating past! The water! What's happening to the water? Where is it taking us?"**

Okay, that could have been anyone getting attacked by those dinosaurs, and we may never know. But to keep myself happy I'll assume it's my long-time best friend, the saboteur Dennis Dennisson. Wait a minute; there were no humans near that place! They would have showed up on infra-red! Did one of those dinosaurs just _speak_? Anyway, the audio has detecting a large amount of water being splashed around. It sounds like a whole load of marine creatures are struggling against something. I can't tell why. Also, another detector, placed on top of a helicopter, has detected a reduction in marine creatures. I have no idea what's going on, but apparently a huge water current tried to move everything out of that rock formation.

Who is that? Argh, my face! Help, someone is karate chopping my shoulders! Now he's kicked guns out of all the security guys' hands! Why are you kicking me in the shins? Someone, help!

Hi, this is Peter taking over from that guy I just completely misused my karate training on. It's a shame I've been drinking so much, for I have dishonoured myself. That's odd, this piece of paper says we're supposed to be recording a Stegosaurus called Seth who has carnivorous fangs, and – okay, I've just got confirmation that he got bored and walked away while that idiot was filming two T-Rexes by accident. I saw a T-Rex once. It was blue. Kind of like the ocean. Although, it was more like the sky. Yes, I think I'll choose to believe that T-Rex had more in common with the sky than the ocean. Anyway, I can't read this schedule because it's horribly written. Bear with me. Oh yes, if you look over there, no, over, there, I said that way, you stupid cameraman! At least point the camera at what we're meant to be filming! Here is a Triceratops, but most people haven't seen a Triceratops like this one. This Triceratops is in the middle of a lake. Either it's because Triceratopses are amphibious reptiles, or because this one decided to take a bath. I'm not the expert on dinosaurs, only on abusing my karate training and then blaming it on alcohol. Someone else is coming. That's odd, they want to challenge me to rock, paper, scissors to narrate this thing.

("Rock, paper, SICKLE!" SLICE!)

Hello everyone. This is Robert. I think Peter is dead. But enough about that. I am also known as the Rim Groper. It's a completely unjust label I was given just because I like to grope people while staring over the rim of a glass of beer, have striking resemblance to the Grim Reaper and carry a scythe around. Now the Triceratops is trying to clean itself in a lake, but manages not to cause itself injury with its horns. Its horns are very long, smooth, and hard. Maybe I should go over there and-

("I can see where this is going! Get off my show! Okay, next narration person!")

This is Susan. We're filming, like, a documentary, and it's like, so totally-

(BANG! BANG! BANG BANG BANG!)

This is Matt. Susan just got shot for being annoying, and one of the bullets hit Robert in the skull. Okay, this damn Triceratops is _still_ cleaning itself. It doesn't really come as a surprise, because it's so big. It's so big that it's almost the size of a house. Actually, it's more like the size of an elephant. But I'm sure some houses, in some countries, are smaller than an elephant. I think in poor places, some houses are just straw huts – wait a minute! Cameraman 112B, what are you doing with that Ankylosaurus and that medieval catapult? Why are you aiming it at me? Why are you loading the Ankylosaur into it? Why are you going to fire?

(SPLAT!)

This is Jane. Matt was just flattened by an Ankylosaurus because he's always trying to be factually correct at all times. The Ankylosaurus is running at the Triceratops. The Triceratops has been disturbed and is running out of the lake! I think this is bad, there's Ceratopians and Ankylosaurs stampeding everywhere now! Oh, I have to go, I just found out they discovered a new kind of canine animal. It's a bit like a wolf but it's got wool instead of fur. I better rescue it before it gets named a 'woolf'.

Hi this is Davie. Jane just tried to leave but the stampeding dinosaurs just squashed her. Maybe I should level with you, I'm not a documentarian. The truth is, I'm substituting because one of the documentarians, Rob, was too lazy to use his own legs so he asked a Spinosaurus for a ride and it ate him. But this documentary is stupid. There's dust everywhere because the dinosaurs are stampeding and I can't see a damn thing. Wait; is that a T-Rex? I'm going to get my photo taken sitting near its mouth. That should be an awesome photo when I get back! Okay, cameraman, take the photo in 3… 2…

(CHOMP! Scream, dying gasp, silence "Okay, we're going to need another documentarian.")

Okay people, this is Richie. We're making a documentary live from Isla Sorna! Do you know what that means? It means you got to see that guy get eaten 'cause the censors couldn't do a damn thing about it! Anyway, I know what's really going on. It's a conspiracy. John Hammond and his guys didn't use their technology to clone dinosaurs; dinosaurs used it to clone humans. We have been extinct for 65 million years and only in the last century or so did dinosaurs decide to bring us back to life using cloning technology. Hey that's funny, there's FBI guys approaching. Hey dudes, what's the needle for?

Hi, this is Helen, and the stampede has stopped, but there seems to be two Stegosaurus doing something to each other. But the cameramen have been given orders not to shoot footage of them. Okay, the Triceratopses and Ankylosauruses seem to have calmed down, except now they're playing soccer and using a small Ankylosaurus as the ball. And I've just been informed of some other news. Someone has phoned us saying they want some Spinosaurus footage, but I'm sorry, we can't see any Spinosauruses from this place. Maybe next time – oh, I've just been informed of yet another new thing. A device has been found at our camp. It's signed by a guy called Dennis Dennisson, and it has a sign on it that says, 'when this bomb explodes, everyone in your camp and everyone involved in making your documentary will be turned into Stegosauruses. That's funny; there seem to be some kind of numbers, on this thing counting down. It's at five, correction, three, okay, now it's at one…

(BOOM!)

Now I'm a Stegosaurus and I don't even know if you can understand what I'm saying. And I have no hands and can't pick up this mike. I could tolerate the deaths of documentarians, horrible toilet humour, and so on, so forth, but this is the final straw! The documentary is over!


End file.
